Credible news source The Escapist has conjured up a feature on the new upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog 4. Extensive research and interviews with professionals reveal how Sonic 4–and by extension, the Sonic series in the last ten years as a whole–may be nothing more than a classic case of domestic abuse.

With the cards on the table, the question ultimately remains–will Sonic 4 break Sonic’s rampant addiction to speed and lust for new cheap thrills? Only time will tell. Until then, this reporter advises readers to seek counseling to avoid further emotional trauma.